This is obviously a work of fiction and has quite a bit of adult language.
One thing we learned that half... White guys can shoot.— Jon Leuer (@JLeu30) April 9, 2013
We at GrizzGrind are proud to present the first in hopefully many of our "Day in the Life..." series featuring players, coaches, and front office personnel of the Memphis Grizzlies. It is our hope that these diaries give our readers a better insight into life in the NBA and also provides the franchise another opportunity to connect with the fanbase.
Our first participant is pretty new to the organization. He was obtained in mid-January in the trade that sent Wayne Ellington, Maurice Speights, and Josh Selby to the Cleveland Cavaliers. He was a 2011 draft pick of the Milwaukee Bucks out of the University of Wisconsin where he was the preseason Big 10 Player of the Year as a senior.
So without further ado....A Day in the Life of Jon Leuer.
7:29 AM: Wake up before the alarm cause Leuer always beats the buzzer.
7:31 AM: Notices the skank I picked up at 152 last night. "Hey honey, I know Leuer went strong to the hole but you've gotta get the hell out of here."
7:36 AM: Morning deuce. Can tell I had too much Franzia last night...shit is purple.
8:00 AM: Daily tradition. Free throw stroke practice in the mirror...buck ass naked.
8:01 AM: Who turned up the fucking air conditioning???
8:34 AM: Corn Flakes for breakfast. I refuse to eat Wheaties until they put Leuer on the box.
8:55 AM: Weaving through traffic on Poplar Ave. on the way to shootaround in my vintage '87 Camaro. "Here I Go Again" on full blast. Leuer can't get enough Whitesnake...in fact, that's Leuer's new nickname.
9:15 AM: Kicks open the locker room door..."The Whitesnake is here and he's feelin' it today!!"
9:17 AM: Sticks head into Coach Lionel Hollins' office... "Coach, pencil me in for 35 minutes tonight. Whitesnake's going for 40."
9:20 AM: Tony Allen is playing some new mix tape by some guy called Two Chains. Try to play it cool..."That shit's bumpin, TA." He gives me a fist bump and hands me his shoes. Sweet...new kicks. [Editor's Note: Tony apparently believes Leuer is a trainer]
9:44 AM: Z-Bo and Conehead [Editor’s Note: Jerryd Bayless] are in the training room getting rehab. What a bunch of pussies. Only rehab Whitesnake needs is for a sore back from carrying these bums around every night.
10:02 AM: Morning shootaround. Gotta practice my corner 3.
10:34 AM: Drain 'em all, "Shoooooooweeeeeeee...Whitesnake is on FIRE! Leuer is going for 40 tonight!!!" [Editor's Note Again: Mr. Leuer made around 7 of 50 shots]
11:05 AM: Defensive drills....pssssssshhh. Defense is for losers who can't shoot like Leuer.
11:32 AM: Coach Hollins wants to go over tonight's gameplan. What a colossal waste of time. I've had enough of this... "You want to know what tonight's gameplan???" Grabs the ball and drains another 3...[Editor's Note: By "drains", he must mean "nearly knocks the shot clock down"] "There's your gameplan. Leuer. All. Night." and walk back to the locker room.
11:44 AM: Crank some Ratt while I sculpt these guns.
12:15 PM: Zach Randolph just offered to hook me up with a really good weed dealer or some cool St. Jude kids. I assume they are two different calls.
12:21 PM: See Marc Gasol getting some treatment in the whirlpool "Yo Big Spain...turn your dick towards one of the jets. Shit feels awesome." [Editor's Note: I'm beginning to think this was a bad idea]
12:37 PM: Stop at KFC for lunch. Dumb twat asks for my order. "Bitch, this is Leuer. I just get buckets."
1:26 PM: Got some time to kill before heading back to the arena. Fire up the X-Box and play some 2K13. Don't know why I like this game. They got my ratings all fucked up. 37? Bitch please, I should be 90+ across the board and 999,999 for 3 point shooting.
1:48 PM: Switching to Call of Duty. Gonna pwn some n00bs. You know I use that sniper rifle and...just like with hoopin...Leuer never misses a shot.
2:02 PM: Need to take a nap. Gotta make sure I got plenty of energy for this show I'm gonna put on tonight.
3:19 PM: Was having a nice dream about dropping 40 in the NBA Finals but somehow I ended up having sex with a coyote. Holy shit……………………………..could I be a werewolf????
3:42 PM: Catching up on some DVR…that Archer dude is crazy.
4:05 PM: Headed back to the arena. Beastie Boys on blast. Now this is some shit I can relate to. I remember when my mom took away my best porno mag.
4:37 PM: Take a long, hot piss all over Mike Conley's locker. Badgers, bitch.
4:45 PM: Check the lineup to see who's starting alongside me...
4:47 PM: Bust into Coach Hollins' office "What the fuck, Coach? Why isn't Leuer in the lineup tonight???" Don't hear most of his answer cause I can't stop staring at his fingers. They look like crunchy Cheetos. [Editor's Note: ....Oh my God, he's right.]
5:02 PM: Here Z-Bo giving some rebounding tips to Ed Davis. Zone it out. You only have to worry about rebounding if you miss. Whitesnake never misses.
5:30 PM: Catch up on film during the afternoon duece. [Editor's Note: Film = PornHub]
6:02 PM: Suit up and head out to the court to get take some pregame shots. Don't really need the practice but figure I'll Leuer's fans ooh and aah.
6:26 PM: Signing some autographs for some Leuerites. Even though Whitesnake is a superstar, never let it be said he doesn’t love his fans.
6:34 PM: Back in the locker room listening to Coach Hollins go on and on about "rotations" and "know your assignments". Man, fuck an assignment. I don't even know who we're playing tonight. Don't give a shit. Some team in red I think. [Editor's Note: Close. The Boston Celtics]
6:44 PM: Apparently Big Spain is hurt. No Gasol? No Problem. Whitesnake is gonna be dropping bombs.
7:03 PM: Nice crowd tonight. They're all gonna be really disappointed Whitesnake isn't starting. [Editor's Note: They're not.]
7:21 PM: Game time, bitches.
7:26 PM: 4 minutes in. Coach should be sending me in any second. I'm gonna light this bitch up tonight.
7:28 PM: Ummmm
7:33 PM: Seriously coach…what the fuck? It’s Leuer time. These fans are gonna riot if you don’t put the star in soon.
7:37 PM: This cute little lineup is playing well. I guess coach is going to let them ride their momentum.
7:44 PM: Start of the 2nd quarter. Whitesnake would have 30 by now.
7:58 PM: Man, if Leuer got the PT he deserved, the most famous person sitting courtside wouldn't be some asshat used car salesman.
8:17 PM: Halftime. Play Angry Birds instead of listening to more of Hollins' bullshit. Adjustments are for pussies that can't shoot.
8:32 PM: Shit...I forgot to DVR Big Bang Theory
9:00 PM: Now I get why I'm not playing. Ray Allen isn't playing for the Celtics. This shit wouldn't be fair if a shooter like me played when Allen is hurt. [Editor's Note: I don't even know where to start with this...]
9:25 PM: Man, the only thing keeping Whitesnake from shattering Bill Russell's 100 point game record is Lionel Hollins. [Editor's Note: Yeah, I'm done correcting him at this point.]
9:41 PM: Game's over. I think we won. Don't really give a shit. Spent most of the 4th quarter trying to pick up one of the Grizz Girls but she didn't want none. Lesbian.
9:55 PM: Why am I the only one on this team that faps in the shower? Prudes.
10:14 PM: Skip out on the media session. None of those peons are worth of talking to Leuer. Plus that Tillery dude [Editor's Note: Ron Tillery of the Commercial Appeal] is starting to weird me out. He asked me the other day what Mike Conley's sweat tastes like.
10:17 PM: OK, this is enough of this diary shit. Time to buy some sluts Jager Bombs at 152. Leuer out. [Editor's Note: Thank God]