MEMPHIS, TN-- As the Memphis Grizzlies continue to bounce between tanking and playoff formation, there has been much speculation that Marc Gasol spends the majority of his time inside a state-of-the-art subterranean research complex. Gasol’s secret lair is rumored to be located somewhere beneath the shifting silt of the Mississippi River, guarded by sentient 700lb catfish that were indubitably created in one of Gasol’s cutting-edge genetic engineering labs.
However, several experts have come forward ridiculing the notion of a professional basketball player operating a self-made underwater research facility—claiming that it is “impossible” to construct a permanent dwelling beneath the tenth largest river in the world, and calling into question the feasibility of a 7’1” two-hundred and sixty-five pound Spaniard being able to discreetly commute to Fedex Forum from the slowly sliding slither of the mighty Missisip’. Instead, experts postulate that Gasol, a man known for his defensive brilliance, vast knowledge of Continental philosophy, and exquisite taste, would much more likely own subterranean sanctuary located somewhere deep within the forests of Shelby Farms, and that it likely features an ecosymphonic design which lives inconspicuously alongside nature without disrupting the local environment.
Insider sources indicate that Marc’s Fortress of Gasolitude likely features a space-age greenhouse where he combines ancient therapeutic roots and unidentified deep-sea flora to design herbal remedies that improve the elasticity of knee ligaments. In all likelihood, there’s also a sanitized laboratory filled with all the expensive machinery and volatile chemicals needed to conduct groundbreaking research in the areas of defensive innovation and trans-dimensional passing, and a supercomputer capable of tracking 7-team trades. It is also believed that the structure contains all the modern conveniences of everyday life, including a full kitchen, multiple bathrooms, guest bedrooms, a master bedroom, and a two-story atrium lined with leather-bound books which Gasol likely reads in front of a roaring fireplace while sitting in a high-back chair and sipping fine Catalan wine.
Nobody knows for sure when Gasol will return, but rest assured knowing that he has spent his recovery time making certain that the Grizzlies will be better than ever when he returns.