Why I Hate the Spurs (for now) and You Should Too
Before the opening round of the playoffs, I wrote an article called Why I Hate the Clippers and You Should Too. I tore their franchise apart from their owner, to their coach and players, all the way to their jerk of a beat writer. That article basically wrote itself. The Clippers are a piece of shit organization run by one of the most despicable human beings in all of sports. Their coach is an idiot and their players are overrated, soft, and only famous because they can jump over the hood of piece of shit family sedans.
On the other hand, the Spurs are everything the Grizzlies organization should strive to be. An intelligently run small-market organization with multiple championships. I don’t hate the Spurs. I want to be them. But for the next couple of weeks, I’m putting that admiration aside and going into full loathing mode. So I hate the Spurs and, at least until the end of this series, so should you.
Gregg Popovich is an old, surly asshole. When he’s not being a total dick to sideline reporters, he stomps up and down the sideline pointing out every single call he wants the officials to make. And don’t you dare question the Great Gregg or he’ll fix you with his old man death-stare that says “I forgot to drink my prune juice this morning so I’m a little backed up” more than “You missed that call.” Oh…hey Gregg, remember when you ripped the Grizzlies organization apart for the Pau Gasol trade saying “What they did in Memphis is beyond comprehension…”? Three years later, the centerpiece of that deal sent your ass home for the summer and is about to do it again.
Manu Ginobli plays basketball like an Argentinian soccer player…any hint of contact and he’s diving on his face. In the past, Manu actually had some skills to complement his constant flailing around. But now he’s an over-the-hill, shell of his former self with a hair style reminiscent of Friar Duck (thanks to @beauregardjones for the photoshop).
I wouldn’t do too much flopping, Manu. Next time you dive to the floor, you could shatter your geriatric hip.
I don’t care what Tony Parker does on the court, he is a horrible teammate and an even worse decision maker. He got divorced from Evan Longoria (EVA LONGORIA!!) because he was throwing it to Brent Barry’s wife on the side. So not only is he French, he’s a goddamn moron.
Shoutout to Tracy McGrady for jumping on the Spurs with a week left in the season to finally get out of the first round of the playoffs. Since you could never do it as a star, I’m glad you could do it as a bench afterthought. I hope your career feels validated.
Matt Bonner….now here is a guy I seriously do hate. This asshole’s career has plagued my existence all the way back to his time at the University of Florida. I should have hit his ass with a folding chair when I had the chance. But hey, you’ve made a career out of being a goofy white guy with one discernible skill. I hope that’s a comfort when you’re soulless, ginger ass passes on to nothing.
Danny Green, even your alma mater hates you. You were overrated then and you’re overrated now. You’re nothing but a mediocre wing made semi-competent by the Spurs’ system. Pretty soon you’ll be shuffled off to the scrap heap in favor of another more cost-effective 2nd round pick
Don’t let the press release fool you. Stephen Jackson wasn’t released, Boris Diaw ate him.
Don’t worry Dejuan Blair, I’m going to leave you alone. The only thing worse than being terrible is being irrelevant. And actually…you’re both.
Finally we get to Tim Duncan. Timmy is arguably the best power forward of all time. He is truly a great, great basketball player (unlike that poser Blake Griffin). Over his career, he somehow acquired the “boring” label but to a true basketball aficionado, watching Duncan carve apart a defense is the equivalent of basketball porn. So why do I hate Tim Duncan? Because he has apparently never committed a foul in his entire 15 year career. While he is one of the best players in NBA history, he is also the biggest complainer. Manu Ginobli, with all his diving and flopping, plays like a bitch but Tim Duncan sure cries like one. Every single call that goes against him or a teammate is met by a look of incredulous, mock surprise mixed with wide-eyed, faux-outrage.
I seriously cannot take Tim serious as a player when every time he’s hit with a whistle, his face contorts into a sneer of feigned indignation. Why don’t you have a little self-respect and take credit for smacking Marc Gasol across the forehead instead of acting like you were just checking to see if he had a fever?
I won't get my hopes up. You've been a bitch you're entire career. Why should you change now.